Thursday, May 19, 2011

Give Me Everything

Self evaluation is a necessary tool when you want to accomplish goals.  Last night, I was doing some like totally serious thinking-shocking, I know. 

How did I get to this point again? Why do I feel so terrible about myself these days? 

I haven't been able to come up with a solid reason, no real excuse for myself.  So instead of letting my head explode from thinking, since I don't do that very often.  I took Big G out for a runnaroo.  I am starting to embrace the new trail, it might not be what I want-but it's what I need right now: a short, quiet, lonesome path.   

The note I left for the Mr.

Despite the note, we crossed paths on my way to the trail.  We both rolled up, rolled down the windows and I shouted "I'M RUNNING AWAY AND I'M TAKING THE DOG!" The eye roll that my comment was met with was legendary.  We drove off and found ourselves quickly finished with two miles in the time it took to drive to the trail.  Running with a dog really helps you to enjoy the experience.  Sometimes, I get really caught up and obsessed with ABILITY and SPEED that I lose focus and rarely enjoy myself.  When I run with Goliath, he stops to smell the pheromones.  He looks at every passerby and gives them a wag.   That is what I want, I don't want to look like a miserable runner punishing myself for my caloriesins.  I want to BE a joyous jogger taking in the minutia of the outdoors and sweating out the day's stresses. 

Immediately after our run, Goliath was so tired he couldn't even stay seated for a decent picture

Thinking about this last night helped me blast through four miles without taking a break.  Which is a rarity for G and I, he didn't even stop to pee on things.  WOWSAS.  Anyway, we finished our four miles in about 38 minutes, which is a nice steady pace and slow enough for us to enjoy ourselves but not be completely exhausted for the rest of the evening. 

I even wore my garmin last night.  That's how I know I am starting to feel like the old me again.  I went to upload my data, and pulled up my training center and was shocked.  My last garmin upload: 10.16.10.  The Marathon.  Seriously.  Then the answers to my previous questions instantly came to me. 

How did I get to this point again?  I gave up on me after the marathon.
Why do I feel so terrible about myself these days? The marathon was suppose to be my door into my new life.  It was suppose to be this monumental thing for me, and it was an extremely disappointing experience.  My self esteem took a devastating blow, and it's taken me eight months to subconsciously recover and move on.  I am still  emotional over it, I read through my posts about the race and my eyes swell up.

My ego is bruised, much like my knees from volleyball.

So like I said, self evaluation is important, even if it takes you several months to diagnose the issue.  I have been blaming my hours at work, and my busy schedule.  The truth is, I was scared and kinda hated myself.  The other truth is, if you love something enough there is always time for it.  The other other truth is, how good do those enchiladas sound?  We were getting too real there, had to take it a step back.



runningonwords said...

I'm sorry. I'm new to your blog, so I don't know what all happened, but I think it's really easy to be disappointed after a race and want to give up on running. I've been feeling that way a little since my half, but I have a running group that makes me come back (seriously, they would come kidnap my butt if I didn't show up on Saturdays). I hope you find some peace soon.

ashley & sundance said...

I think that run with G is exactly what you needed. Sometimes you have to run JUST to run, screw pace, hill repeats, tempo runs, etc. Just go out and run because you love it. and when you do LOVE it (like... really LOVE it) you'll be ready to tackle another marathon. You had a bad race, it sucked, you're heartbroken. But I KNOW you are MORE than capable of running a 4:00 marathon. You are an AWESOME-SAUCE runner. You just gotta realize that!

jessie.blankis said...

GIRRRRRRRRRL i know set backs! i'm having some myself with being sick - hard to find my mojo. we'll prevail tho cause we're awesome. lol :)

Amanda Morris said...

I wish you could see how freaking cool you are. The fact that something like this would upset you shows how MILES DEEP you are. I am daily impressed by you and think you are a wonderfull person. Dont let you get you down, stay off your back and cut ya some slack, cause you rule the world to me.

Jana from Running Vegetarian said...

As I am training for my very first marathon. I think of you often. I remember how hard you trained. How much you wanted to kick ass for your first marathon. I remember my eyes welling up when I read about your race. I remember how upset you where and how much I wanted to come through my computer screen to hug you. As much as we don't want bad runs to effect us they always do. Just hold your head up high and say, I will do better next time. A wise running friend recently said to me, "Remember that training is the hard work and the race is the reward"